Erotic Vampire Fan-Fiction

September 26, 2012

There was a shuffling sound, her eyes opened and she looked around the dark room. She couldn’t see him, but there was a coolness in the air, she could sense him staring at her. She reached over and tapped her lamp flooding the room with light and sure enough, there he was, in the corner, head bent, eyes staring intensely at her. If she hadn’t known he was a Vampire it would have been a shocking sight to see a young man standing in the corner of your room in the middle of the night, hunched over, fangs exposed, almost looking like someone with down syndrome.
“You came.” She said, feigning surprise.
“Not yet.” He replied, smirking.
The light of the lamp sparkled in his eyes and made his skin sparkle, as if it was covered in glitter. If she hadn’t known what he was she would have thought he was a gay stripper with down syndrome.
Silently he walked towards her, mysteriously, as if gliding. He brushed her long brown hair out of her eyes.
“You are so sexy.” He said with a lisp.
She tried hard not to laugh, Vampires were known for their fury.
“So are you.”
It wasn’t a lie. Not truly. Probably because he was a Vampire his magical blood oozed with sex appeal, he probably released pheromones, like a bug… that thought repulsed her… and although he was decently ugly, and, well, kind of downy, she couldn’t help but crave to ride him, wildly, like a mechanical bull in a pub, screaming and waving her arms around.
He bent over and sniffed at her neck. It kind of tickled, but he smelt strange, like frozen semen or maybe horse radish.
“You’re making me so wet.” She said.
His fangs extended lightly pressing against her neck, the pressure hurt, but it was a good pain. The sharp tips lightly broke the skin and the Vampire ravishingly licked at the blood. It wasn’t sexy. It was like a Dog licking sloppishly.
She pushed him off and down onto the bed. She’s had enough of that. The Vampire was like any teen boy. Horny. But he had been saving himself for 400 years. She couldn’t imagine the sexual frustration, but he imagined her to be a virgin, that was what she had told him. But the truth was, she was a huge slut. She had once had the entire football team in a 24 hour period, while on her period.
She began unzipping his pants, he was now panting, like a dog.
She began kissing at the bottom of his belly, just above his crotch. Then the noises started. Whining noises, like a dog that begs you to keep scratching.
Finally she went lower, and stuck his frosty penis into her mouth.
It wasn’t like any penis she had tasted before. It wasn’t salty and warm it was cold and bland, like a home brand ice block.
She licked the tip as the Vampire roared like a Lion. Eventually fitting the entire thing into her mouth she lowered, until it went down her throat, lifting her head again, up and down she went, slowly, and building faster.
The Vampire’s body shook, like he was a giant vibrator.
Faster, faster she went. The room was filled with slopping and gagging noises.
Slowly a long thunderous sound built within the Vampire, releasing a cracking sound like lightning, and the cum erupted from the Vampire’s penis exploding out the back of the girls head.
Pieces of her brain and skull stuck to the roof, soaked with cum. The Vampire sat, wide eyed in shock as he looked at the tip of his penis still oozing cum over the back of the girls head, mixing with the blood. It only made him more hard.
Suddenly the young girls Ghost appeared looking down over her body and exploded head. A piece of brain and cum dripping from the ceiling falling right through her.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!” She screamed.
“Surprise?” He said and began to eat her brain out the back of her head as if it were watermelon.

Sundae Thoughts

September 23, 2010

In California at 6:42 AM, a big fat man- and when I say fat, I mean really fat, like he makes obese people look anorexic because he’s so fucking fat- sits in McDonalds gobbling up 9 Big Macs, 7 large fries, 2 triple cheese burgers, 4 bacon cheese burgers, 6 McChicken burgers, 14 large Red Fanta’s, 3 caramel latte’s with 4 sugars, 19 chocolate muffins, and last but not least, 27 chocolate Sundaes. It is a Saturday. As the man devours his feast, (feast for you maybe, but for him, merely an appetiser). He gobbles his food vigorously, oblivious to the world around him. But curious, the brain inside in fat head is functioning, and he is using it. This is what he thought:
“It’s Saturday today, omnomnom, and I’m eating a Sundae, omnomnom, it’s so god damn delicious, omnomnom, I wonder, if it’s Saturday here, omnomnom, and I’m eating a Sundae, omnomnom, could it be SUNDAY elsewhere? Omnomnom.”
Of course, the man across the table on his way to work, who dropped in to enjoy a nice cup of coffee, watched in a horrified trance as this planet devoured all that food.
“My god” he thought “What a fat fuck.”
He then proceeded to drink his coffee and escape as soon as possible; on his way to work his was hit by a bus and killed. But that is another story.
The Hippo inside McDonalds was nearing the finish of his meal. Releasing a glorious fart and scratching his rectum he then proceeded to waddle (or roll) his way out of the restaurant. Of course as stupidly obese as he was he did have a brain, and he liked to use it. This is what he thought as he waddled:
“I wonder…. How many sea shells DOES she sell on the sea shore?”
He then proceeded to a fish and chip shop to eat 20 crumbed fish and some crab cakes. The owner could only watch in horror, hypnotised by the wobbling of his fat flaps, later recalling to people how it had it’s own rhythm, kind of like the ocean.
The fat man, who curiously enough had not yet been named (we shall henceforth call him Tim), continued his treacherous walk to the beach, upon where a lonely Japanese man (curiously named Ahab) mistook him for the evil white whale (Moby Dick) and struck him down with a harpoon.
Tim, who in the shock of having a harpoon go flying through his stomach, then proceeded to realise all the McDonalds he had eaten out of his rear, spraying out like a blowhole all over Ahab, who later recalled that the incident was ‘horrifyingly euphoric’ of course, we can only imagine.
Later after some surgery Tim returned home where he watched 9 hours of Leno, before going to sleep.